Recently I’ve been feeling a burden strongly — the $22,000 letter from DBS which I will receive in less than a year.

It might have seen to be a relief to go for the “Maximum Loan Allowable” and get only 300+ deducted from my acct each semester…

but no, it has caused me a bigger burden now and later.

(See, I just snapped at 2 phone calls to office.)

I don’t know how many people around me have to carry this entirely on their own. Honestly I envy those who don’t have to, or have the capability to. See, it’s great to not having to worry about owing the bank money, graduate happily, land yourself a job, give some of your salary to your Mum, spend some and save some of your salary, reach a 5-digit savings very easily, go on holidays and buy luxury branded stuff without feeling a pinch, have enough money for a marriage and a house and kids…….

but no, I’m gonna enjoy all these 1-2 years later than these people.

Ya ya I don’t go through NS at least so I didn’t waste 2 years away so I still have time and youth to pay for my tertiary education so I shouldn’t really be complaining so much, but IT’S NOT JUST TIME AND YOUTH YOU KNOW.

Ya I seem to be a damn good eldest daughter to carry this all by myself voluntarily but, it’s really not so voluntarily at all when you know your sisters still need education and stuff.

Yes honestly I feel abit sore now, but the feeling of being helpless overwhelms the soreness.

I gotta continue to live off my parents when I begin to work because my priority will be to pay the loan as much as possible, as fast as possible. Look, you might tell me to take my time, save some in the meanwhile, yes I know, but w the bank interest rolling, YOU SURE YOU WANT TO OWE THE BANK MONEY FOR AS LONG AS POSSIBLE?

Hell no.

So I can’t give my Mum much allowance, I won’t be able to save much, until after I clear the loan.

Then now comes in the problem of how much of salary I will be getting 1 year from now.

I don’t expect myself to earn beyond 3K for a start, honestly 2.5K would be a gift from god already. I’m not a high flyer, I’m not competitive, I’m not scheming, I’m not confident enough at times, I won’t graduate with a good honours, and worse, I prefer job satisfaction / enjoyment than amount of salary.

How lucky will I be to land myself a job that gives me self-motivation, mental enjoyment and monetary satisfaction? Or rather, how capable am I to get one?

There are peers around me who are generating income on their own, and some of them generating a very decent income in fact. To me, they ARE capable. Knowing what they want to do, and enjoy doing, and earn some money as bonus (or motive, I don’t know.).

I’m still abit unsure of what I want to do, what I am good at that will land me some extra cash, and will keep me doing it without feeling obliged. Pretty girls younger than me do modeling, blogs and earn advertorial fees, carve out a successful career somewhat and work and save and are able to support themselves and not let their parents worry nor be a parasite. At such point of time, I wonder what I am doing by bumming around, taking allowance from my parents, slogging away for a piece of 2nd lower — and still end up owing the bank 22K.

I know one day the sum will seems incomparable to what I will earn, but, pessimistically (I don’t know got this word or not lah), the future may not hold what I want nor be smooth sailing.

I don’t know how many people will read this or how many people who read will understand, but at least I feel a lil’ better now after writing.

Gotta stop snapping at incoming calls.