Clearing the webs..

It’s been long. Really long. Don’t remember being away from my blog for more than 6 months like this.

6 whole months.

I went through the last examinations as a full time student.

I won a pair of air tickets to Taiwan and brought my Mum to taste travelling beyond Malaysia.

I finished numerous dramas.

I fretted over job hunting, cried after a bad interview, yet was offered the job.

I jumped on the bandwagon of new media journalism without having any idea about it.

I struggled learning and picking up skills (including bitching) at work.

I finally welcomed the day of his return and just felt like the separation was just a dream, which brought us closer together.

I donned on the gown and mortar board, walked up the stage for my own 30s of fame and convocated in the presence of the ones I hold dearest to.

I began paying for the tuition fee loan, drained up my savings, and managing the remaining not-so-disposable income every month.

I had to remind myself constantly to live like a poor student and not overspend.

Yet because of media perks I bought myself a new camera, which I haven’t even got the time to test out all its functions.

I put on weight.

I start to manage life between work, rest, love, family, friends and more.

I even joined in Cheerleading for work place’s Games Day and created a fabulous memory of my worklife.

I wished and still is wishing, to have my own nest with my loved one.

Right now I just wish to be happier. And I also wish to love my job more.

又没事了！！！

做么他可以忍受我那么多啊，惭愧。

不过他倒真的得对老娘好一点啦。哈哈！！！

倒数90天。

This time it’s me who needs to keep out.

Same old problem, happens too frequently.

Not for the weak hearted.

But I am one.

So, T-sign.

很像是我把事情弄得复杂。

可是实际上，基本的爱情需求实现不到。

距离，越来越远。

一个需要被爱的人很悲哀。

一个不善表达的人很自私。

所以，这两种人是不是不适合？

仿佛，在沟通关于“沟通”时，也出现了问题。

原来，需要一个什么来寄托，是一种禁忌。

需要，好像也是禁忌。

需要被别人需要，是一个更大的禁忌。

只能默默彷徨。

默默压制。

默默流泪。

默默放空。

默默，习惯。

Strangely, when I worried so much (very obvious from the posts below) about how things are gonna be back to normal, things just fall back in place nicely and life’s good all over again.

I guess faith is the key.

118 days to go, go go go!

Honestly I’m so scared that keeping out this time will end up keeping out forever.

But this time, I’ll throw in all my faith, belief, strength.

Because we are really better than this.

Meanwhile, I’ll prove that I’m not weak.

I saw YJ’s status saying:

“Everything is alright in the end. If it’s not alright, then it’s not the end.”

So, all for the day when everything will be alright again, I can wait, wait not in pain but in faith.

I can wait forever, as long as it’s worth the wait.

I’m horribly envious of the hall people who will be visiting him in Lyon, because they get to, and he looks forward to.

I can only blame myself for not being rich enough.

What can I do, I’m so envious, my nose turns sour every time I think of this.

I finally got a day free to do work at home, but with this kind of mood I can’t do any shit.

Why does this always have to happen at the wrong time?

No you didn’t do anything, and precisely that you didn’t do anything at all, why should I even care and get bothered by something that isn’t there?

Been trying to sort myself out today but haven’t been progressing well so far. Pondering over the same few questions, wild imaginations, and conjuring possibilities.

Note to self: Don’t look forward to anything and continue to live in MY OWN world. At least for today.

I stared at this space for awhile not knowing how to pen things down. You know, whenever I feel messed up I would just come here, since writing organizes my thoughts and this is my space to rant.

I don’t expect readers to read what I rant, I mean, I don’t like to read blogs that only rant too, isn’t it. I don’t expect you to read either. Well… just don’t expect too much I guess, disappointment always come after failed expectations.

And perhaps because I don’t dare to expect too much, perhaps of some bad experience, there are times which I can’t seem to put in as much faith as I should be. Too insecure, too inferior, always feel like I pale in comparison to any other girls around you.

I know I really shouldn’t be. But the geographical distance sometimes is just too much for me to take at times.

Times when I feel weak, I lose control, I feel threatened, I feel like I’m not good enough, I’m not the right one, I’m being a burden, I hinder what is meant for you…

Yes, sometimes I’m just that badly insecure.

I tried, and am trying to be more understanding and not feeling threatened. I tried putting myself into your shoes and think of my best guy friends around me. Yes, awesome friends whom I do not want to lose. But, it’s that one thing that is missing which I can’t really put myself into your shoes…

It’s like a can of worms, I hear them inside trying to bring me down like before. I’m constantly traumatized by their sounds. But I don’t know if those are really worms. And I don’t know if this can will ever be opened, if there are no worms, will any just form in the can as time goes by…?

Besides myself trying real hard here, amidst all the stress and workload I’m facing, is there anything you can help with…?

Maybe… The-one-who-must-not-be-named, should always be named. Because it’s one of the biggest trigger to all unnecessary troubles.

Other people say I put in too much of myself and should think more for myself. I think I’m just being selfish. Where’s the line?

轰轰烈烈不如平静

好了。天下太平好过年了！

感觉快乐就忙东忙西吧！

幸福没有那么容易 才会特别让人着迷。

—-在狂听黄小琥的“没那么简单”—-

大年初一，一开眼睛，查看电话，心情马上跌入谷底。。。

很累了。。。失望的感觉很糟。。。

更糟的是一直在失望。。。

我不想喊“我受够了”，因为好像意味着要放弃，我不要放弃，我不会放弃。

刚才连妈妈也发现我现在很烦，问我在烦什么。

我是不是不应该抱太大希望，明明最了解什么叫希望越大，失望越大，对什么事都有所保留，可是对于承诺我就抱太大的希望，结果没达成时便是彻底失望。

这一个长途恋爱，好像在挑战我的原则。。。

为什么。。。为什么要不守承诺。。。就算答应了以后觉得无法兑现，也要说一声啊。。。

我可以轻易接受解释，但很难接受不闻不问不讲不遵守承诺。。。

我又要怪自己了。。。是不是我太死心眼，太计较。。。？

很累。。。很累。。。

什么烂新年。。。对不起了萧，我也不能遵守承诺，开开心心过个年了，对不起。。。

第三次

由始至终，我深信“坦白”是最理想的感情沟通方式。“坦白”，无论是关于好或坏事，对对方敞开心房，是最能建立起彼此的信任的方法。

但往往，孤掌难鸣。

我有一双愿意倾听任何事情的耳朵，你则觉得有些事情实在是没必要讲。

可是对我来说，闷在心里害了自己，忽略了那双愿意倾听的心，难免多了份无助、失望与自责。

有人说，这不是任何人的错。

人，那么的复杂，快乐和幸福不应该是很简单的吗？我们曾在最简单的爱里，幸福快乐，忘了吗？

发现，人人常把“习惯”当借口，好让那个“习惯”成立。

就好像自己常常迟睡，我说，我习惯了。

自己常常哭，我还是说我习惯了。

我知道你在尝试，很希望你是真的很努力地在尝试改变。。。另一方面，也许我真的该接受这个把“习惯”当借口的坏习惯，好像有一点了，第三次没有第二次那么难过，第二次没有第一次那么伤心。。。只是，还是有无助、失望、自责。。。

分隔两地，距离和时差已经使沟通变成一个很棘手的问题。所以在内心里更加希望彼此能够加强沟通，弥补距离。

暂时分开了，回到了一个人的生活，夜里特别困难、特别煎熬。想想自己过了20年的单身生活，怎么现在那么难适应？

把两个人的问题先搁着，毕竟还是孤掌难鸣，在自己的掌控之外，现在最重要的是找回自己，充实自己，脱离恶性循环。

很难呀，不过在努力尝试，最难过的是深夜那关。。。

自己一个人，无助的时候，只能自己帮自己，无论在家在外都一样，绝对不能自己害了自己。

一定要提醒自己，想要照顾别人，就要先会照顾自己。我很努力地在让自己充实满足于自己的人生，而不是他人的人生。

你我，都得努力为自己，进而，为彼此。

给你，加油。

给我，力量。

———————————————————-

我很庆幸有朋友倾听我的烦恼，不会只说好听的话，让我明白，有人倾听和开导，是一件很快乐的事。

朋友都能倾听了，情人真的会义不容辞的。

我问朋友：“我是他的辅导员还是女朋友？”

朋友说：“你是他的精神支柱。”

真心希望如此，在这个同时，我也会为自己努力，不被爱情吞噬。

给朋友，谢谢。